Motivation/Goals/Drive

I am lying here at 3AM after a long exhausting day of competing, unable to sleep for whatever reason. I've decided to (instead of tossing and turning) sip on some coffee, listen to some comfortable music and write out my thoughts regarding motivations, goals and drive. Usual disclaimer that these are just my personal experiences and you're free to interpret it differently.

So a good place to begin would be: "What made you wonder about such topics in the first place?".

For many of us who play competitive Melee, these topics will have crossed paths with our thought process at some point. It's quite natural to wonder what exactly it is that pushes you. Lately my urge to practice and perform in tournament has been very lackluster, even just to want to play the game for enjoyment purposes. So such a change in behaviour for quite a period of time has caused me to ask these sorts of questions. One of my main drives I feel should be the enjoyment I take in pursuing higher peaks of improvement in both the game and myself. But that just doesn't appear to be there from what I can see currently.

The problem is that I say 'should be'. Is that really what I feel, or what I would like to be? I think my goals/drive/motivations whatever you want to call it actually lie in a selfish potentially egotistical way. I think the old days when people would say I was overrated etc was what had me riled up the most. I believe I want to maintain a self-image almost like a pedestal (basically a ranking) which I can show off. This is something I actually hate that I'm like, but have come to accept for the moment as it will be necessary for growth in my opinion. The real conclusion here is whether or not this is a healthy motivation to utilise or whether it will cause me to crash under my own pride.

I think getting opinions from others and doing some research on the subject would help me find the answers I'm looking for. I feel this is the sort of introspective process you have to do in order to jump over hurdles and it won't be easy to find.

The only other thing I can think of adding would be perhaps my 'settling' as it were with my current skill level. Heir was a big event for me and a lot of preparation went into achieving the goals I set for myself - and I achieved those goals and managed to go a little further. So perhaps there's some stage here were I need to reset myself, or that placing was enough to prove myself.

I'm glad to be able to actually write out some thoughts, because it means I can set out some points to research and see if it applies to my thinking. I would appreciate any opinions that any of you may have which could point me in the direction; or even if you would like to share your own experience that would be cool.

Until next time,

Peace - Tmuff

Melee Thoughts: Over-Thinking, Feelings, Improvement

So this might turn out to be a bit of a ramble, but hey-ho. I've been wanting to get some of my thoughts in regards to Melee out on paper a bit better, as they've been very overwhelming as of recent and I feel this might be a good way to suppress/answer them. (sorry if this just becomes a vent)

Me_IRL

The first thing I'd like to get down would be over-thinking when playing. This would be over-analysing situations down to the micro, which could include any number of emotional responses; which in turn take a serious toll on my mental state and focus. My brain likes to get very ahead of itself, so far ahead it feels like my hands can't keep up. In my daily life this is a pretty regular thing for me to do and is something I have trouble dealing with, so this is probably an example of exterior problems affecting the game. 

Ego is still a huge burden for me and is most likely linked to what I just previously described. My description of it isn't necessarily 'I just think I'm better than I am', but I have high expectations - sometimes appointed by myself and other times the pressure of it by others. These feelings or whatever you want to call them spill over into Melee very easily and can cause a lot of distress for me. A neutral win can be an emotional blow because of the perspective I hold it at; I get angry that I'm not living up to the expectations basically, but I guess one mistake or losing to someone you don't normally, shouldn't really be a factor. Anger also piles onto the already large stack of issues, which causes self-confidence problems - because you lashed out at a video game you lose respect for yourself. It does all link together, it makes me think that the work I'm putting in isn't good enough.

I've been trying to find new ways to improve and they've all been pretty much unsuccessful. I tried a pretty difficult schedule which eventually just lead to burn-out with me feeling like I learned nothing. I've tried some match analysis which just feels like I'm doing it for the sake of it, again feeling like I learned nothing. Time spent does not equal time well spent, but how do I figure out what I need to improve. Maybe I am improving steadily, perhaps even hugely? I need to know how I'm doing in order to stay motivated, and if I can't see little improvements then I'm in a slump. I also can't see improvements if I'm not confident in what I want to improve.

The pressure of my sponsor and upcoming tournaments stop me from wanting to take a break of any kind, and encourage me to push on despite the difficulties. Not that I could if I wanted too I'm physically incapable of being able to stop playing Melee at this point. I'm not very confident it would have an affect in the long-term anyway.

So I guess I should send this off with some ideas I have to counter this stuff. I have no idea lol. This is the hardest hurdle/plateau I've ever had and I'm gonna have to have a serious think about this one. I feel writing this out is a good first step and will hopefully point my dumb ass brain in the right direction.